SRHIN AFRICA Website
This interview is based on a true-life story of Miss Justina’s rape experience. It aims at reflecting how purpose can be discovered in pain, being more than a survivor and strengthening our mental health.
Team Delta: Can we know you, ma’am?
Interviewee: My name is Justina
Team Delta: So we’re discussing mental health, Can you share with us what this means to you?
Interviewee: Mental Health to me is the state of complete wellbeing; socially, emotionally and psychologically. How we cope with stress and our relationship with others. It plays a major factor in decision making too.
Team Delta: Thank you, Justina
In a world where there’s so much pain with a lot of people struggling to keep their mental health intact and have lost the essence of living purposeful lives. What’s your suggestion on how pain and bad experiences can be managed and transformed into something worthwhile?
Interviewee: See it as a lesson learnt and know deep down that strength and resilience that results from pain contributes greatly to your future. So use the pain to propel yourself. Don’t let them paralyze you or rob you of your potentials. Seek out the lesson from each painful experience, keep your heart and mind open and choose to use the adversity to fuel the fire inside you to become a better person.
Team Delta: Can you share an experience of any time you struggled with being mentally stable, the situation, how you managed it and transformed your experience into been better?
Interviewee: Boarding a cab to school, (I wish I had stayed back instead) I sat in the front passenger seat. Shortly into the journey, I felt a grip around my neck from behind and immediately, my mind and body went numb. I couldn’t remember how to fight back, struggle, or scream. What happened afterwards can only be described as my hell, hell that I have relived countless times since that night. I was robbed then repeatedly raped (an event I still to this day cannot say out loud) by three middle-aged men. I was hit and strangled if I tried to put up a fight. I was forced to be compliant in whatever they wanted to do to me. My dignity was stripped away, my innocence taken, my humanness irrelevant. I pleaded with them for my life, instead, they rained curses in Ekiti dialect. After what felt like an eternity, I was dumped in the bush with bruises on. I eventually got myself up and found my way around to a nearby church where I stayed till I called my boyfriend who came to pick me up. The next morning I used antibiotics and contraceptives before proceeding to the hospital where I was treated and tested. I repeated medical test severally for about a year just to be safe. It felt like I was clawing myself out of a deep pit, I was terrified and ashamed at the same time. All my feelings – the hurt, shame, anger, guilt, sadness, and confusion were all locked away. I felt dirty inside out. I couldn’t report to the police because of the stigma, what people would think about me, the blames or fake pitied look from people. I didn’t want to be pitied.
Weeks after I left the hospital, I wanted to isolate myself and be far away from people. It felt like every single soul could see or tell what had happened by just looking at me. I resulted to using a veil if need be to go out because I spent a lot of time behind closed doors. I gradually drowned in depression. I lost my self-esteem and self-worth. I had been completely dehumanized. More than anything, I had lost my will to live, and there were some close calls that followed. I skipped school almost every day, and exams were forthcoming. I lost concentration and wasn’t active in class, I missed tests, assignments and everything that would have aided boosting my grades. And yes, my grades dropped drastically. It didn’t matter to me at that point though, I just felt my world was crumbling and I didn’t know what or how to save it. I had horrible frightening nightmares, a vivid replay of the incident and it became more difficult handling it. My boyfriend wasn’t judgmental, rather he helped by always listening to me and reassuring me that everything was going to be alright. I also confided in a friend and told her everything, she was nice and loving about it, I felt comfortable talking with her (she was a victim of rape too), she shared her story and how she handled and overcame the trauma that followed the incident. She encouraged me to tell my parents, but I was afraid of how they would react and treat me. I was ashamed and felt I would be blamed for what happened.
There was so much I had bottled up inside all this time, once I opened up, it all started spilling out at once. It was hard to deal with all the emotions that were overtaking me. Everything was overwhelming. I had no motivation to do anything, just suicidal thoughts. Thinking about the years ahead of me made me panic. It took a little while before I could tell my family. Long story cut short, I lost people in the process; my boyfriend a year later I wished I hadn’t told him, because he changed totally afterwards. It was more like he couldn’t deal with it and stayed out of pity. I did unspeakable things and resulted to using drugs like tramadol, codeine, drinking and smoking which seemed like my go-to therapy anytime I was depressed. It helped me forget the pain I was feeling for that moment. It wasn’t long before I realized I was going to be miserable if I continued in that path. I spoke with survivors again and this time I was determined to do the right thing to get better.
I still had fears about my future but I was assured by God that my tomorrow is bright. I eventually enrolled in a skincare training school, graduated from the university, and proceeded for NYSC in Delta state, where I was robbed and raped again. This time, I was stronger and wasn’t as affected as I was the first time.
I would say these experiences brought me closer to God. I became more religious and I started emerging from a dark tunnel. I overcame the trauma through the help of family and friends and I decided to look beyond and work towards a better future.
Team Delta: You’ve been through a lot of pain and I’d say that you’re a strong woman from the experiences you shared. What will you like to say to society?
Interviewee: The society needs to understand that Shaming survivors perpetuate the notion that it’s the victim’s fault and not the rapist’s which is very wrong. People are often more concerned about what the survivor wore, or the state they were or what the survivor told the perpetrator before the rape. The society needs to understand that a woman does not choose her outfit every morning with the hope of pleasing every man she walks by.
Society needs to understand that what a woman wears is not her “asking for it.” The length of someone’s skirt is not an indication of whether or not they would like to have sex with you. The tightness of clothing is not an indication they would like to have sex with you. Flirting is not an indication that they would like to have sex with you. If a person is not vocally giving you an invitation for sex, they aren’t asking for it. If someone is intoxicated, that is not an invitation for sex.
Society needs to understand that No” does not mean “Convince me.” “No” doesn’t mean “Maybe later on.” If you have to convince someone to have sex with you, you probably should not be having sex. Sex needs to be consensual for both parties to enjoy. Stop normalizing rape by teaching women how to protect themselves, and instead teach young children about consent and respecting everyone’s boundaries
African society gives men an excuse to act irrationally and write it off as typical men’s behaviour. Saying this perpetuates what is expected of boys, and that it is okay to be aggressive because it’s a “boys will be boys” thing. You are excusing boys from their aggressive behaviour instead of teaching them how to respect those around him. We let his actions go without consequences. Telling girls “he does that because he likes you,” pass a message to her that when a man is violent with you, it is because he loves you. Feelings can be expressed vocally without being violent. Stop telling girls one of the ways boys show affection is through violence. It instils this mindset that if in an abusive relationship, he abuses you because he loves you and he just doesn’t know how to express his emotions. Some tribe in Nigeria encourage women to stay in abusive relationships, otherwise, they’re blamed for their inability to keep marriage when they walk out. The list goes on and on.
Team Delta: What will you like to say to people going through pain and how they can live purposeful lives?
Interviewee: I’ve done my best to refine my voice and also give those that may not have found their voices, a voice to call their own. I could tell you about my accomplishments. I have a registered skincare brand with so many projects at hand. I’m still looking out for job opportunities in organizations. I know I’m not where I should be but I’m not where I used to be. I’m happy with every progress and step I take now even though I had felt like nothing good would come out of me. The only thing that I wake up to every day is not letting my experience define my aftermath. My experience was written by my attackers. My aftermath has been written by me. I made the decision that my past will never determine my future.
So if you are reading this, my message to you is: Don’t let certain events or someone else control what you become. You can decide, take every situation and make it the best. It’s difficult but possible. If I can do it, you can too.
Team Delta: What do you think about the future?
Interviewee: I have applied to an NGO (focused on women and children emancipation) where I believe I’ll be given an opportunity to be the voice of every woman out there in similar situations or worse. I desire to become the face of a nationwide campaign for women in this situation. On the side, I plan to expand my business, get a spa of my own which is in line with my business and a do a lot more. So help me God (Amen)
Team Delta: Thank you, Miss Justina, for sharing your story with us and encouraging others going through pain that it’s possible to be the best regardless of what they’ve been through.
Final note
Pain is a physiological and psychological element of human existence that indicates when something is wrong. Usually, it comes with a strong desire to pull back. Situations or memories that are painful affects the mind, making it difficult and unpleasant to deal with. However, properly handling painful experiences helps sustain and strengthen our mental health, knowing that a healthy mind is technically the most powerful muscle, strong enough to lead to the phenomenal redirection of an entire system. What is done in and with painful experiences is a major step to healing and most importantly discovering purpose in pain brings about satisfaction. Having a sense of purpose is a critical element in overall well-being and also an important resource for maintaining mental health over the life span.
This interview was organized by Team Delta:
Akano Oluwadara Tomisin
Olayinka Miskiat Omolola
Olulade Oyindamola Tobi